Deadpool: The Santa Trap
by Digimon Emperor X
Summary: Deadpool is on Santa's Naughty List (for the 10th year in a row!) So he comes up with a convoluted scheme to get on Santa's Nice List. Is there hope for this Merc of the Mouth? As Chris McLean once said: "I seriously doubt it."


Deadpool: The Santa Trap

By: DMEXNadda is mine

Summary: Deadpool is on Santa's Naughty List (for the 10th year in a row!) So he comes up with a convoluted scheme to get on Santa's Nice List. Is there hope for this Merc of the Mouth? As Chris McLean once said: "I seriously doubt it."

-Deadpool's Apartment-

_Deadpool is chucking kitchen knives at a dart board with Santa's picture on it._

Deadpool: _**DAMMIT! I HATE THAT $%#^& KRINGLE!**_

Deadpool Voice: _That's because you always end up on the Naughty List._

Deadpool (hopeful): I've been good this year.

Deadpool Voice: _Oh really? Like when you went to the Kanto Region for vacation?_

Deadpool: What? I made a Pikachu explode and I got some sweet pics of Misty in a mermaid costume.

Deadpool Voice: _Which you took illegally I might add._

(woman screams in background)

Deadpool: Oh, #&%$… That's another lawsuit…

_**BANGING ON THE DOOR**_

Deadpool: What?! I'm busy, jackass!

Landlord (Brooklyn accent): Yer mug betta open this door or I bust your ass!

Deadpool Voice: _Did you pay the bill._

Deadpool: Nope. What he don't know won't hurt him.

(opens the door, the Landlord is smoking a cigar)

Landlord: Yer rent is due and seein' as ya don't pay and yer shenanigans costs me a fortune, _**YER ASS IS EVICTED!**_

Deadpool: _**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! **_Wait, do I get to come back in 6 months?

Landlord (angry): _**^$# YOU!**_

Deadpool: _**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_

_The Landlord pulls out his assault rifle and starts shooting at him. Deadpool's MvC3 theme plays in the background_

Landlord: I'ma bust yer pointed mug up!

Deadpool: _**YOW! STOP SHOOTING ME! YOW!**_

(The Landlord continues to shoot at Deadpool as Deadpool tries to pack his bags and get his ass outta the building. Then the Landlord chases Deadpool out as he continues to shoot him)

-Somewhere in the city-

Deadpool: *hff* *pff* I can't believe that asshole! Throwing me outta house and board!

Deadpool Voice: _If it wasn't for your shenanigans, you'd still have a house._

Deadpool: If I wanna be lectured, I may as well have a &#!$^ cricket for a conscious.

(Deadpool notices a sign for a TV show)

Deadpool: hehehehehehehe…

Deadpool Voice: _What are you up to?_

Deadpool: I know how I'ma make the Nice List.

-ZTV, Christmas Talk Station-

Jiminy Cricket: Welcome back to Christmas Talk.

(audience applause)

Jiminy Cricket: Today we have a new guest: Deadpool, tell us how you are going to spend your Christmas.

_Deadpool comes out wearing Elmer Fudd's hunting gear and hat_

Deadpool (singing to The Nutcracker): _I am going to go steal a jet, to the North, riding the first class. Then I am going to go, pee it out, kill his deer, tie 'em up, make all suffer._

(audience gasps horrified)

Deadpool (singing to The Nutcracker): _Sneak into Santa's House, kill the elves, hogtie them, shoot 'em in the head; execution style. Laugh at 'em, __**HA HA HA, YOU SUCK, DOWN I GO, TO THE LIST, WRITE MY NAME, ON HIS GOOD LIST, KILL THE KRINGLE!**_

Deadpool: And I'll probably go loot Jessica's room for the hell of it. (And to ya perverted readers out there, I ain't gonna steal her underpanties!)

(audience mutters to each other)

Jiminy Cricket: You can't say that kind of stuff on public television. There are young children watching this program.

Deadpool: How the #^ $ is anyone watching when it's just a bunch a text some 24 year old dude wrote this TV-14 fanficton?

(Officer Jenny comes in and drags him to the door)

_Fighting_

Deadpool: _**OW! STOP THAT! DAMMIT, I ONLY HAVE ONE OF THOSE! OW!**_

(Officer Jenny kicks his ass out of the building)

Officer Jenny: _**AND STAY OUT!**_

_door slams_

Deadpool Voice (like HBK): _So! That's what it took to be on Santa's Nice List?_

Deadpool: Cut the sarcastic bull#^$%! Now to go steal a jet, kill the pilots and any and all passageners.

Deadpool Voice: _This is gonna backfire greatly._

Deadpool: Oh shut up. This is foolproof!

-Kanto Airlines-

Deadpool Voice: _We should not be here._

Deadpool: Ah, screw off. Not like anyone remembers me anyway.

* (angry): _**YOU BASTARD!**_

Deadpool: Oh, $^# !

(Dawn storms her way over to Deadpool)

Dawn: _**I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU'D SHOW UP HERE!**_

Deadpool: What? Me? No.

Piplup: _**PIPLUP! LUP LUP PIP!**_

Deadpool: I don't speak Pokemon. And no, I do not want to mate with you, buddy!

Dawn: Why are you so lewd?!

Deadpool (Anime sweat drops): I can be crude, lewd and tattooed. Speaking of, how old are you?

Dawn (angry): _**HOW DARE YOU!**_

_Slaps Deadpool_

Deadpool: _**YOW!**_

Dawn: Shame on you, asking a lady her age!

_Pacharisu comes out of it's Poke Ball drinking a beer and tries to electrocute Deadpool, but Pacharisu is so drunk that it ends electrocuting Goofy_

Goofy: _**YEEEEEOOWWHOOOOOOOOHOOOOHOOO OHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**_

Deadpool: Better him than me.

Dawn: Pacharisu! You're wasted again?! _**UGH!**_

(Dawn goes to see if Goofy is okay. Pacharisu looks at Deadpool, then hiccups)

Deadpool: If you pee on me, I'll murder you.

_Pacharisu takes a leak on the front desk_

Clerk: Well I never!

(runs away)

Deadpool: Now's my chance ta hijack a jet.

-Jet-

Deadpool Voice: _Are you sure about this?_

Deadpool: Yep.

_Deadpool goes to the cockpit and kills the pilots with his katana. Then he kills the passengers with his guns. He returns to the cockpit so he can steal the jet._

Deadpool: I'm new at this so what do I have ta do ta take off.

* (on intercom): Just press the cow button.

_Deadpool glares at it_

Deadpool: Why didn't I think of that?

_Presses the cow button. A moo is heard then the jet takes off. Several hours go by, then Deadpool reaches his destination: THE NORTH POLE!_

Deadpool: How do I land this crazy #&$^?!

Deadpool Voice: _Try the horse._

_Deadpool presses the horse button. A horse neigh is heard and a pie hits him in the face._

Deadpool: _**YOU SONNAVA BITCH! IT'S AME, MARIO!**_

Deadpool Voice: _Try the pig._

Deadpool: It better not be another pie.

_Presses the pig button. A pig squeal is heard. A bulk load of hamburgers fall on Deadpool_

Deadpool: Sweet! I'm starving.

_The Jet lands into a frozen mountain and Deadpool flies out of the EJECT seat._

Deadpool: _**WHEEEEEEEEEE!**_

-North Pole-

(a light bulb appears over Deadpool's head, but only he can see it)

Deadpool: I really have to pee.

_sees a candy cane-like pole with a sign that reads: North Pole (Don't steal anything)._

(zipper sounds, urination sounds. Deadpool sighs with relief)

Deadpool: That feels better.

(angry bear roar)

Deadpool: Oh, #*%$…

(an angry polar bear roars in his face)

Deadpool: _**PEE-YOU!**_ What the ^*#$ have you ate for your breath ta smell like $^ #? Ever hear of somethin' named toothpaste, dude?

_The polar bear breathes on his paw and smells it. Then groans quite disgustedly and walks away._

Deadpool: whew. That was way close.

Deadpool Voice: _You should have played dead._

Deadpool (sarcastically): Oh, ha ha. Like I haven't heard that crack bafore.

Deadpool Voice: _You sayin' I'm fat?_

Deadpool: No, but you have a fat ass.

(turns around, then groans)

Deadpool: You make me sick.

Deadpool Voice: _I make myself sick, I nauseate me._

_The faint smell of reindeer poo is emanate_

Deadpool: Hm… Let's see. Which way to Santa's House? That way-

(a cozy little castle is seen on one path)

Deadpool: -Or that way…

(a reindeer stable with stink clouds is seen)

Deadpool: That way smells a bit pooey, while the other way looks like it's warm and comfy. (And for those reading this, I don't mean that stupid TV show _The Big Comfy Couch_; which by the way sucks ass!)

Deadpool Voice: _Wimzy's House_ was more disturbing.

Deadpool: That much is true.

(goes to the reindeer stable path, enters inside it)

Deadpool: _**PEE-YOU!**_ I'ma need my gas mask!

(slips gas mask on on)

Donner: -the point bein' that a bunch of crap like "I'm ain't wanna them" don't work with me.

Cupid: And there in lies your problem.

_Donner farts_

Cupid: _**JEEZUS CRIST! WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU TOOK A &#$ ?!**_

Donner: Ah, shaddup.

Blitzen: _**AGH! LIGHT A *#% $#$+ MATCH IN YERE!**_

Deadpool (thinking): oh fer &^#% sake…

_Deadpool pulls out his guns and shoots the reindeer! Then he hogties them and hangs them on the wall._

Deadpool: Hmm… such a waste to leave 'em hanging on the mantle._Deadpool's stomach gurgle_

Deadpool: _**HEY I KNOW! I'M GOING TA MAKE REINDEER JERKY!**_

_Cuts them up and dumps BBQ sauce on the jerky strips. Then eats the jerky_

Deadpool: Now I'm going to kill the elves and put myself on Santa's Nice List.

_Deadpool eats the last strip of Donner_

Deadpool: And I'll rob Jessica for fun. Hell, I'll kill the damn Kringle!

-Santa's House-

Santa: Let's see now… Bobby, Jody, Sarah, Sonny, Craig all nice. Nice, nice, naughty.

Mrs. Claus: What say you about one Wade Wilson?

Santa: Na-ha-haughty!

_**CRASH!**_

Elf: _**SANTA! IT'S TERRIBLE!**_

Santa: What happened?

Elf: It's Deadpool! He's killin' the elves!

Santa: _**WHAT?!**_

(sirens blaring as Deadpool continues to shoot the elves)

Deadpool: _**HAVE GUN WILL SHOOT! BANG! BANGBANG BANG! BANG! BANG!**_

_A couple of elves drop dead_

Santa: _**STOP RIGHT THERE!**__Deadpool turns around_

Deadpool: Whell! Look who's shown up! That Kringle bastard who's been screwin' me over for the past 10 years!

Santa: Pardon?

Deadpool: Ya *&#%$ screwed me over fer 10 &#$ # years and never _**ONCE**_ did you add me to the Nice List.

Santa: You've been bad every year. You also never had a reason to make me add you!

Deadpool: Now to kill your fat ass and-

Santa: You shoot and I'll never bring you another gift again.

Deadpool: Never?

Santa: Never.

Deadpool: Not even a rifle?

Santa: Nope.

Deadpool: No more grenades?

Santa: Never.

Deadpool: _**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! **_Wait if I shoot you, next Christmas I'll get something?

Santa: Nope.

Deadpool: _**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_

Santa: go home and write I'm sorry 2000 times and leave it in your stocking and maybe I'll change my mind.

Deadpool: _**I JUST REMEMBERED, I DON'T HAVE A HOME!**_

Santa: Why's that?

Deadpool: Cause my bastard Landlord evicted me.

Santa: I can fix that, but why don't you take a nap.

(Santa knocks him out)

-Deadpool's Apartment-

Deadpool: whu? Hey! I'm back in my own apartment! Looks like I got gifts!

_Deadpool rips a gift open and it's a pair of underwear._

Deadpool: _**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO!**_

_Deadpool's MvC3 theme plays in the background as the credits show._

(END!)


End file.
